6/27: dazai

[randori]

[ Everybody was too busy crying on Wednesday, it was hard to get anything out of anybody involved. There was Rebecca and Eichi and people Natsuo's a little closer to than Dazai that he could shake answers out of, but they might sugar coat things so that he doesn't worry- He goes to Dazai to be the most truthful of them, planting himself in front of Dazai's bedroom door at night before he turns in to sleep, crossed arms uncrossing the moment he sees Dazai and intercepts him before he can get too far. ]

—You'll tell me what happened? Who made you cry?! I'll do something about it!

Comments

[thesettingsun]

[Dazai isn't as teary-eyed with some time to calm down (and some drinks), but he's still pretty upset. Natsuo isn't always a good sign for his mood, but - it's true that he's the most honest.]

We raised a daughter for eight years and she had to leave us and we'll never see her again.

[randori]

...

[ he pats Dazai on the shoulder ]

I have no idea what you're talking about, but you can't give up! Family is forever! You'll see her again!

[thesettingsun]

It's impossible for me. Even if the others see her, I'll be the only one separated from my daughter for eternity...

[The comfort doesn't seem to be working.]

[randori]

Why? What happened? She's eight, so- so if you just apologize I'm sure she'll want to see you again??

[ Trying to connect the dots... If Dazai isn't allowed to see his daughter, that must mean she hates him, but that can be fixed, it's not too late ]

[thesettingsun]

She went back to heaven. I can't go to heaven.

...and she's eighteen. She came to us at age ten.

[Probably? It's hard with angels.]

[randori]

I— [ there's no tactful way of asking this ] ...She's dead?

[thesettingsun]

[There really isn't. Luckily, Dazai shakes his head to the question.]

She's an angel. Heaven was where she was meant to be - she only stayed with us temporarily.

[randori]

Angel... Like Sandalphon? Why did you guys need an angel?

[ They come when people are in trouble, he thought, blessing people and saving people in their time of need. ]

[thesettingsun]

She needed us. I don't know why she had to be raised on earth and not in heaven, but... we did our best for her.

[and unlike sandalphon she didn't kill anybody]

[randori]

[ ...No, he still doesn't get it, but he tries his best to look on the brighter side of it- ]

I bet she appreciates that. She's lucky to have you, and maybe, if we ever find that door again, maybe we can all meet her again. Maybe, if she remembers your kindness, she'll come back and help us too.

[thesettingsun]

Maybe. It would be nice if you all could meet her.

...Do you know, I spent more time with her than any of the children I had with my wife?

[randori]

That's... You must've been busy, right? Being a writer and everything! I never hung out with my parents either- I was always running around outside and getting into trouble! But that doesn't mean my parents didn't... love me... probably...

[ ...right...
no, he was a shit child ]

[thesettingsun]

What I meant was that my oldest daughter was seven when I died. I'm not ready to have a conversation about which children I love more.

[randori]

[ oh boy

He ducks his head, trying to mull all of this over. In all honestly, for all the time that he's been here, he had never once thought about being able to get back home, just surviving the game. ]

...When you get out of here, what do you think is going to happen to you?

[thesettingsun]

I am going to find my friends and drink heavily.

[That's the easiest answer. It may not be what Natsuo meant, but it's an answer.]

[randori]

Weren't you regretting lost time with your family?!

[thesettingsun]

They're all dead. I think possibly one of my daughters is still alive? But she was one when I died, so I know nothing about her and she wouldn't recognize me at all.

A long time has passed between my dying and my being summoned again. It's natural for people who were alive seventy years ago to have passed on, and none of my family was summoned with me.

So: drinking.

[randori]

There's grandkids and stuff? Great grandkids! Amazing grandkids! Even if you haven't seen them in forever, aren't you still family? Though you're strangers... It's not like you have nobody left.

[thesettingsun]

What does it matter if I have grandchildren who I've never met? I don't share any bond with them. We don't even have the same blood now.

[Since his is ink.]

Besides, I doubt my children spoke very kindly of me to their children.

[randori]

They might have! You don't know that! You're a good person, so why wouldn't they have?!

[thesettingsun]

[When Natsuo says 'you're a good person', Dazai laughs. It's a more pained sound than a laugh has any right to be.]

[randori]

[ hey stop that ]

You're a good person.

If nobody else believes it, I do.

[thesettingsun]

Then you're a terrible judge of character. Or are you saying you know me better than I know myself?

[randori]

I don't know! Maybe I am a terrible judge of character, but I'm the judge!!

[thesettingsun]

You're wrong.

This isn't something you get to decide based on whether you want me to be a good person or not. You're wrong.

[randori]

[ ...Hm. Imagine I only italicized the one word and not the rest of the sentence

Anyways, Natsuo shakes his head, because he's that sort of person who wants to believe the best in everybody, however naïve that notion is ]

Everybody thinks they're a good person, everybody does what they think is best. If you don't think you're a good person, you do what you can to change that, so you can become good! Isn't that how it works?

[thesettingsun]

Sometimes being a bad person is just easier than being good. Or sometimes you've given up on being good ages ago.

[Natsuo is trying his best. That doesn't mean he'll succeed.]

[randori]

It's hard to be a bad person, though... Aren't you just exaggerating? You're not a villain or anything, you're a person, and sometimes people do bad things but they're not bad?

[thesettingsun]

What would make someone a villain, if doing bad things isn't enough?

[randori]

A villain is somebody who does bad things on purpose even when they know it's bad.

[thesettingsun]

Then I'm the worst villain.

Goodnight, Natsuo.

[And he'll try to enter his own room.]