6/24: monika

[randori]

[ Today was... a day. It still doesn't feel quite real, everybody making a big deal out of everything whereas for Natsuo, it'd just felt like a dream. Taking a nap Thursday evening so he can stay awake throughout the night- and then he opens his eyes and it smells like dirt and he couldn't move or breathe. That was more terrifying than anything— it felt like drowning, heavy, cold, and alone.

But the smell of dirt now is something he takes comfort in, finding his way back to the gardens he walked through earlier in the week, back when he was so certain and happy about all of this- as happy as he could get, anyways. He sits down in the middle of the path and then lies down, hands folded over his stomach and him squinting up at the darkening sky, waiting to get found and trampled on or forgotten or whatever it is he was hoping for. ]

Comments

[unromanceable]

... Natsuo-kun?

[ ah.

of all the places to choose to walk as she clears her mind.

she stops short of where he lays, not immediately approaching. her chest -- it hurts so much. ]

[randori]

[ His head turns when he hears her voice, face hard to see with the setting sun behind her until he sits up and looks at her properly. ]

Oh- Were you walking? I'll get up and get out of the way!

[unromanceable]

... after what happened ... you'd just get out of the way, and not say anything to me?

[randori]

[ His hands fly up defensively, like he's been used to being accosted all day. ]

I missed you?? I don't know- for me, it feels like I just saw you yesterday!

[ The dead don't know how long they've been dead; all that time had meant nothing to him, because he wasn't conscious to experience it. ]

[unromanceable]

[ JUST

GLARES AT HIM, HONESTLY ]

You broke your promise! I told you not to say forever unless you meant it, and you still died!

[ Abruptly she stops, pressing a hand over her mouth. She's cried about Natsuo so much this weekend and doesn't want to do it again. She's tired. ]

[randori]

I meant it!

[ He blurts this out, moving forward to catch her wrists before his mind even catches up on what he's saying and doing. ]

I'm not dead! I wasn't supposed to die! I went out to keep somebody from dying! None of that was supposed to have happened!

[unromanceable]

[ She lets him do it, grab onto her, but furious tears spill down her face despite her wishes. ]

But it still happened! We all saw your corpse! If that man hadn't made the choice he did, you'd be dead for real!

[ Monika shakes her head roughly, but a sob still escapes her. ]

[randori]

[ He's bad with tears. He's bad with... anything, really, that isn't happiness or anger, things he can resolve with a little laughter or a screaming match. This edges upon anger, but there's nothing backing up his side besides denial and excuses and things that make it worse. ]

But I'm not! I'm not dead and for me— I don't remember any of it! For me, none of it happened! I didn't die! I'm not dead right now! So just- it didn't happen!

[ Deny it, like he's denying it. Accept and move on. ]

[unromanceable]

[ Monika's expression contorts, like she's about to start yelling at him, but instead she shuts her eyes and takes a few deep, slow breaths. Only once she can trust herself not to shout does she open them again. ]

... Natsuo-kun ... please talk to me. I want to help you, and keep you safe, but I can't do that unless you let me.

[randori]

[ The wait is like agony. He tries to keep calm too, tries to match Monika's breathing but instead he just holds his breath for what seems like an eternity, heart hammering through the silence. ]

...I'm talking to you. We're talking right now. I'm just saying, for me, I don't remember anything after leaving the dorms Thursday night. It's like being blamed for something I didn't do.

[unromanceable]

... and for us, we had to see your mangled body. I know that from your perspective it seems like barely anything happened, but ... can you consider it from our point of view? We were all grieving for you.

[randori]

[ It's hard to imagine in his own dead body- and mangled, at that. Did he really mess up that badly, after being so convinced that he'd be fine, that bringing the sword would be overkill on top of the confidence he has in his bare fists?

... ]

I'm sorry... Does it feel like your sadness is wasted, 'cause I didn't stay properly dead?

[unromanceable]

No!

[ Monika presses her face into her hands, small insistent movements of her body betraying her utter frustration. ]

It feels like you don't care how we felt! You keep saying it's fine and nothing happened for you, but for us it was real! Stop brushing off my feelings just because yours are different!

[ She pulls in a shaky breath. ]

Natsuo-kun, how would you feel if you saw me dead?

[randori]

I care! I do care, but sadness isn't something I want people to feel— you shouldn't ever have to feel it! [ so he can't accept it; he refuses to, like he refuses to accept he had died, because his life is from his point of view and reality is and has always been centered upon his own experiences. but it doesn't mean he doesn't care- ]

I'd scream and I'd cry and I'd beat up whoever did it if you died, but you're not, so I don't want to talk about it! Nobody should talk about stuff like this, dying and being gone and leaving people behind!

[unromanceable]

[ .... ]

Natsuo-kun...

[ After a moment, Monika will step forward and pull him into her arms. ]

I think I understand, now. I'm sorry. But ... if we never experienced sadness, how would we know when we were happy? I know it's painful and scary to feel sad... but it's not a bad emotion. Sadness... isn't it proof that you loved something?

[randori]

[ He would have kept yelling if the hug hadn't shocked him out of it, voice catching in his throat and mind trying to understand, to deliberate between accepting and refusing. ]

Because happiness is... when you're laughing and smiling and there aren't any problems. You can be happy and love something- you don't need to feel so sad it hurts. Feeling like that, I don't want to feel like that ever again.

hi card

[unromanceable]

You can't go through life without being sad sometimes, Natsuo-kun... if you did, is that really a real life at all?

[ she steps back, keeping her hands on his shoulders while her eyes search his face. ]

>:(

[randori]

[ I guess he'll be sad for the rest of his life now!!! ]

...I've been sad a lot. A lot of my life- looking back, they weren't all good times. But there are things to be happy about here, and people that make me really happy. You make me really happy. Can't I hang onto that and forget all the rest?

CARD I LOVE YOU

[unromanceable]

[ She brushes some of his hair out of his face. lOOK THIS WASNT MY FAULT ]

I wish I could say yes. But I can't. I know you're strong enough to live a real life. You're one of the strongest, bravest people I've ever met. If anyone can handle the bad along with the good ... it's you.

tonight i learned what betrayal is

[randori]

[ That strength is only physical strength. Everything else... he's always powered through things by focusing on what he wants and how to get there, never lingering long enough to wallow in sadness, never giving it a thought because sadness is weakness. He's not allowed to show weakness. ]

...I'll try. I don't think I'm all that strong or brave, but if you're there with me, maybe I'll be able to handle it.

slams betray over and over

[unromanceable]

[ Very, very gently, Monika will capture his lips in a short, sweet kiss. ]

Don't worry. We'll do this together. You don't have to be scared as long as I'm here.

[ teasing him, just a little bit, with his own line. ]

no!! monika had better come back to life on sunday so i can kill her myself

[randori]

[ He startles at the unexpected kiss, looking a bit like he wants to cry, and his voice pitches when he chokes out- ] I'm not scared!!

...I'm not scared. [ He's not. He dips his head and buries his face in Monika's shoulder. ] I'm not.

[ He's terrified, of everything- of dying and killing and not being able to protect anybody that he loves. It's terrifying. Even with Monika here, how is he supposed to face all of that? ]

[unromanceable]

Shh, shh...

[ It's not to mock him; these are just soothing little nothings that she whispers in his ear, meant only to comfort him, remind him that she's right here. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him as close as he'll allow her, gently stroking his hair with one hand. ]

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear ... not absence of fear." Mark Twain said that.

[ Monika presses a kiss to his forehead, tender as anything. ]

Being brave isn't about not being scared. Fearlessness just means being dangerously reckless. The essence of bravery is to choose to keep moving forward even when you're at your most frightened.

[randori]

[ Haha... That's what he was, right? dangerously reckless, choosing to ignore fear and think he can pummel through life without it. It feels a lot like treading water; movement, but not moving.

He pulls back a little, catching Monika's hand and bringing it down, clasped in his. ]

...

[ He closes his mouth. Swallows. Tries again, echoing his words. ]

Together. As long as you're here, I won't be scared.