6/24: shirasu

[randori]

[ The open grounds means for plenty of space to pace and it still doesn't feel like enough to work up the nervous energy that'd been building up in Natsuo ever since this morning. There's a sense of wrongness, a sense of relief, there's failure and duty and sorrow and ...overwhelming relief.

He's so relieved, to be alive, to breathe air again, to be able to see everybody, even though he'd chosen to remove himself from everybody and retreat to sit on the rooftop of the horse stalls where he can look down upon the sprawling grounds, like he's hoping to find answers amongst the grass, the gardens, the cold stone walls of the castle itself. ]

Comments

[wagashis]

[he's not the only one who had this thought, apparently, or maybe shirasu just happened to notice him up there; either way, he'll find himself with company after a while, as shirasu takes a seat next to him on the rooftop.]

Tired of socializing?

[randori]

[ He's so quiet coming up here, that Natsuo almost doesn't notice until he hears the weight drop next to him, turning his head at the question. ]

Um. I guess it's sort of overwhelming, people yelling at me for something I don't even remember doing. [ It wasn't socializing. There was just a lot of yelling. ]

I'm not used to getting so much attention either, so it was kinda scary and I ran away.

[wagashis]

I can't blame you for that-- but I'm sure they're all relieved to have you back, despite the yelling.

[tensions ran a bit high-- he's not surprised it would come out that way.]

...it's good to see you again, Natsuo.

[randori]

[ It seems that way, with the scolding and the lectures and promises never to do anything stupid again— and he struggled with all of it, because he has to promise not to do something he doesn't even remember doing. ]

Me too! Though, I really don't remember being gone at all. It feels unreal, you know? Like going to sleep, and then people are telling you you're supposed to be dead.

[wagashis]

I expect it's a lot to come to terms with.

[it's hard to guess how he'd react to something like that himself, honestly. would it be a relief or not? how does anyone really deal with returning to life?]

Would you rather remember it? Or do you think you prefer it this way?

[randori]

Well... [ The only details he got was "crushed under a chandelier" and "stabbed in the back" with "burns on his hands," the bare bones but even that much sounds like a very very painful experience, messy and drawn out, depending on how far apart those separate events were. ]

It's probably better that I don't. There's a lot about my childhood that I'd forgotten- years of it just missing, 'cause I guess it wasn't all good memories. But I think they're important to know. Right now, when people worry about me, I don't have those memories so I can't understand why. And I don't think that's fair that I can't share that pain.

[wagashis]

I think you have the right idea. It feels better not to know, sometimes, but... it's still important. Our bad memories shape us just as much as the good ones, don't they?

[you need both to understand yourself and your life, he thinks.]

But they might not be gone forever, either. Perhaps it was just too much to remember right away.

[randori]

Do you think I should try to remember it? Like, a reenactment? You can stab me again.

[ ...He means it, though. He can't know all the details of what'd happened unless Fitzgerald himself walks him through it, but there was a knife in the back and suggestions that he allowed himself to be killed because he trusted one or the other of the culprits. Shirasu would do well. ]

that tag is a callout damn

[wagashis]

--I would really rather not stab you, Natsuo.

[that's a thing he doesn't want to have to explain, if anyone happens to see or if natsuo mentions being stabbed to anyone else.]

You should try returning to the scene, first, before you reenact something like that.

[randori]

The scene is the ballroom, right? I've been walking up and down the halls between there and the dorms, but that's about it. I can't get the door open to see inside anymore.

[ He's tried that already and the location is a bust. The only option now is to find somebody willing to stab him; maybe he should talk to Fitzgerald after all. ]